When you've been had

I wasn't planning on posting today.  This cold has been taking a toll on our house and this mama is struggling in more ways then one. 

Every since Christmas when we took a full two-weeks off from school and Lydia's program it's been hard... oh so hard getting back in to the rhythm of things.  And when it gets hard the easiest thing is to just give in and give up.... plug a movie in for the kids, make a cup of tea and surf the net....

or is it?

Because the same problems are going to come up again shortly... probably even before the movie is over and then what.

This morning I struggled greatly with my little ones - they don't feel good (so I do try to extend a bit of extra grace), I don't feel good (where's my grace), and we are all tired.  I had a math sheet for Lydia to do and she started to fuss that she didn't want to do it, I told her no she had to do it. So she picked it up and looked at the other side and said 'can I do this one'..... sure I answered... hey at least she was doing something.

but wait.

She still got her way. She did not have to do what I asked her to do. oh man... She still 'had' me and ended up not having to do what I asked.  boo

I just sat on the floor and teared up. I realized that so often even though I didn't realize or mean to do it I was still giving in to my children just so we could get the work done, so we could 'check' off the box and move on.  But they were not obeying with the right heart or attitude.

It's not going to be easy, and the easy way is never really the easy way in the end.... but oh how I'd love to plug a movie in and make a cup of tea right now. I won't... I can't.... I sit here listening to the fighting and yelling (Josiah is singing and Lydia is NOT happy about that), Naomi is calling out to me and not napping because well that's just her.  I am struggling particularly with Josiah because he's too big now and I can't easily carry him upstairs and put him in his room.

Oh how he can make my blood boil.  It makes me so sad and angry at myself.

Just keeping it real.... life is hard right now and even harder when you realize you've been being 'had' by your children even when you were trying so hard not to. blah